At age nine, I was living in New York when a kid pinned me against a wall and pulled a knife on me while yelling slurs. I have flashbacks to being bullied and I get so upset that I want to travel back in time and handle it much better than I did then. Whether you are gay, lesbian, bi, or trans, so much goes into coming out - admitting it not only to yourself but to the world.īullying is a serious issue, whether it is online or in person, and it needs to stop. I came out to myself at 19, but kept it a secret from others at first. It took a long time for me to be ready to search my soul and deal with my own sexuality. We may not have been the best family throughout the years, but we have truly stuck together and accomplished a lot in life. My brother Kash, a cute toddler, heard me crying and said, “Mom, why is Dontai crying?,” but she was too teary to explain. We headed home and she asked, “Did you like doing that?” Of course I liked it, but said, “No.” Toward the end of our deep and emotional conversation, I broke down and started crying. I am glad she showed concern instead of just getting mad and lashing out, because she wasn’t keen on her son having feelings for boys. My mom may not have been mad, but she was still concerned about her young son. In a shaking, embarrassed, and small voice, I confessed to the sexual activity, and put my head down and covered my face. Fortunately no one seemed angry or upset, not even my mom. Someone must have told, because my mom and I were called to a meeting at the pool. Did I like it? Yes, but I didn’t want anyone to know. I was shocked and didn’t say anything because I was aroused. One thing led to another, and suddenly Jovany started giving the other boy oral sex.
(I had only ever kissed a girl at school before.) After swimming in the pool, I went to the showers with a boy named Jovany and another male friend. When I was 14, I attended a summer day camp and had my first sexual experience with a boy. My attraction to guys faded, and I was girl-crazy for a while. I would question God saying, “Lord, why didn’t you make me a girl?” I seriously thought I was going to hell for being attracted to guys.Īt age 11, my sexuality drifted. I would often ask myself, “Dontai, why do you like boys?” and I would always say, “I don’t know.” I thought something was wrong with me.
If you could show two women, you could show two men that’s how I saw it. I never understood why they wouldn’t show two guys. The choices were either straight or lesbian porn. When I was around seven years old, we had one of those hot boxes for the TV, and I found porn on the Spice Channel. I always liked the way men looked, especially one of my mother’s friends. I would always hug and kiss my male friends on the cheek, and sometimes grab their butts. I had certain experiences in my childhood that confused me but led me to understand my sexuality. It felt pretty good knowing that I was not alone. As the years went by, I met other gay guys who had different types of disabilities. I honestly wondered if there could be such a thing as being both gay and autistic. It took many years to face this reality and accept myself. I was diagnosed with Asperger’s (a condition on the autism spectrum) at 12, a late age to be diagnosed with a developmental disorder. I knew I liked guys starting around age four or five. I am a 30-year-old, gay, bipolar Black man with high functioning autism.